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Protecting and respecting boundaries

Your boundaries tell you what is acceptable for you in a relationship or in contact with someone outside of a relationship. Someone who crosses your boundaries is not respectful. Your integrity may be harmed.

The situation can be about many different matters in your relationship. For example:

Someone’s boundaries are crossed when they do not agree with what happens and the way in which it happens.

To respect boundaries, both partners:

  • have to agree with what is happening;
  • should not use or feel any pressure;
  • should be equal partners (one should not have power over the other).

A man and a woman both agree to have sex

Saying “no” and saying “yes”

If you feel like your boundaries are being crossed, say “no”. Your partner has to respect your choice. Talk with your partner about what you want and how you feel:

  • Be very clear.
  • Stand or sit up straight and look into your partner’s eyes.
  • Explain why you say “no”.
  • If necessary, repeat your message.
  • Do not feel guilty.
  • Do not make promises you cannot keep.
  • Make it clear to your partner that mutual consent is important.

A girl saying “no” to a boy.

Saying “no” is difficult, but it is a way to communicate to your partner what your boundaries are. Your boundaries have to be clear to your partner. If “no” is not accepted by your partner, get professional help or confide in a person who is close to you.

You may be afraid of losing your partner. Decide whether your partner is good for you, if they continue to force you to do things you do not want to do.

Sexually abusive behaviour

When someone does something sexual to you that you do not want, that person crosses your boundaries. This could include kissing, touching, sexual comments, sexual assault, rape and prostitution. This may be done by force or threats (coercion), but it does not have to be. Even if you are sleeping, or have been drinking, or are just walking down the street and someone does something sexual that you do not want, that is sexually transgressive behaviour. Punishable sexually transgressive behaviour, such as sexual assault and rape, is also called sexual violence.

Respecting each other’s boundaries is important. Abuse can cause psychological and health problems. Moreover, sexually abusive behaviour and other forms of partner violence are forbidden by law.

If you want to have sex and your partner does not, you can discuss this together. Sex is more than just sexual intercourse. Being physically close to each other is equally important for your wellbeing and your relationship.

Sexually abusive behaviour can also occur outside a relationship, for example with relatives, acquaintances and ex-partners, or with strangers.

Seeking help

If you experience sexually abusive behaviour or other partner violence, look for help:

Contact the police if you want to report someone for sexually abusive behaviour or another kind of partner violence.

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Professionals

How to talk about sexual and sexual health with clients? How can Zanzu help with prevention, education, help and counseling? Find the answers here.

Help?

Need help? Find a healthcare provider.

About Zanzu

Zanzu was developed by Sensoa and BZgA. Rutgers, the Dutch expertise centre for sexual health and rights, has adapted Zanzu for use in the Netherlands.